Read Yourself First.
Know your patterns before they start driving the car.
Part 1 of 5 · Read Yourself First
How we’re doing this.
This isn’t therapy. It isn’t a performance review. It’s a real conversation about how we show up when we’re stressed, annoyed, defensive, or trying very hard not to send the email we want to send.
Be honest.
Don’t perform. Don’t default to the version of you that lives on LinkedIn.
No surprise callouts.
We’re talking about patterns, not putting anyone on trial.
No fake coaching.
You don’t have to fix anyone else in this room today.
Capable ≠ easy to work with.
Being good at work isn’t the same as being good with people. Both can be true at once.
Smart people still create messes.
Good intent does not automatically equal good impact.
Friction is usually an EI issue.
A lot of workplace friction is just emotional intelligence wearing a work outfit.
What emotional intelligence actually is.
Four domains. We start with the first one today — the one everything else is built on.
Self-Awareness
What am I feeling and doing right now?
Self-Management
What do I do with that feeling?
Social Awareness
What might be going on with other people?
Relationship Management
How do I respond in a way that works?
Activity 01 · ~8 minutes solo
EI Self-Assessment.
Check in with your emotional intelligence at work. This is a personal snapshot, not a performance review — rate how you typically show up across self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. Be honest. Think across situations (meetings, deadlines, feedback, change, cross-functional work). Pick the number that feels most true most of the time.
Skip to the reflection below. Haven’t taken it yet? Fill it in here, or open the online version at swthzeiselfassessment.pages.dev.
4.0 – 5.0 Current strength — leverage and model it for others.
3.0 – 3.9 Developing area — consistent in some situations, inconsistent in others.
Below 3.0 Growth opportunity — the highest-leverage place to invest your attention.
Activity 02 · 2 min solo · 6 min in pairs · 4 min group debrief
Triggers & Tells.
Most stress behaviors aren’t random — they’re patterns. The goal here isn’t to be cute or clever. Get specific: I get curt. I get quiet. I over-explain. I act busy instead of helpful. Whatever is true is useful.
01. When I’m stressed, I tend to…
(behaviors, not feelings — what you actually do)
02. Other people can usually tell because I…
(what shows up on the outside — tone, pace, body language, communication style)
03. The impact on others might be…
(how it lands — even if that’s not what you meant)
Debrief · What came up most
Three patterns we see a lot.
Most of us are one of these on a bad day — sometimes more than one.
The “Busy” Shield
Acting busy or overwhelmed to avoid difficult conversations, hard asks, or feedback.
The Silent Treatment
Shutting down or withdrawing when feeling stressed, hurt, or defensive.
The Sharp Edge
Getting curt, snappy, or overly critical under pressure — efficiency that lands as cold.
This is where work gets messy.
People judge themselves by intent and other people by behavior. The gap between the two is where most avoidable drama lives.
You’re being efficient.
You as checked out.
You’re being clear.
You as cold.
You’re staying out of drama.
You as harsh.
Activity 03 · Small groups · ~15 min
Real-Life Response Remix.
Each group takes one scenario. We’re not looking for the perfect HR-textbook answer. We want a real one — something an actual person here could say out loud and mean it.
Step 1 — Name the emotions that are probably in the room (yours and theirs).
Step 2 — Be honest about the unhelpful version. What would the snappy, defensive, checked-out, or avoidant response actually sound like?
Step 3 — Rewrite it. What does the emotionally intelligent version sound like? Borrow from the sentence starters below if you’re stuck.
Self-awareness is about spotting the pattern before it fully takes over. Under stress, we usually don’t get creative — we get consistent. The sooner you catch it, the less automatic you become.
Know your tells
Learn what you do under pressure. Spot the physical and mental signs of stress early — before the email gets sent.
Watch your impact
Pay attention to the effect you have on the room. Your intent is not the same as someone else’s experience.
Get less automatic
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness sooner — so you have more choice in what happens next.
Self-awareness at work sounds like this.
If you can say one of these to yourself — out loud or silently — you’ve already done the work.
Keep this page · Refer back often
Useful sentence starters.
Half of emotional intelligence is having better words available in the moment. Borrow these. Tape them to your monitor. Use them in Slack.
What to practice · What’s next
Between now and Part 2.
Notice one reactive pattern as it’s happening.
You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to change it. Just catch it. Awareness in the moment is the rep we’re training this week.
One-week pattern tracker.
When you catch yourself doing one of your tells, jot a quick line. No essays. Just enough to start seeing the pattern.
| Day | What triggered me | What I did (my tell) | What I’d try differently |
|---|
Closing thoughts
Where I want to start.
Awareness is the rep. Pick one thing to actually pay attention to before our next session — and write it down so it counts.